Every once in a while, I get requests to talk about writing and to give advice. Since the women of my family traditionally have very little trouble giving advice (but much trouble actually taking it, someone will usually add under their breath) I give to you these ten things I wish someone had let me in on before I put my toe in the water on this writing thing.

Deadline? What Deadline? A deadline for the writer is immovable. A deadline for the publisher is more like a guideline than a rule. Best just to grin and bear it. Seriously. Though the frustration may drive one to heavy gin or antidepressant use.

Rejection, Rejection, Rejection If it bothers me, I have to get over it. I will be rejected over and over again. By agents. By publishers. Sometimes even by readers. It always stings, but maybe someday it will sting a little less. Until then, I have to live with it without hurting myself or acting like a third-grader in a tantrum.

What’s That In My Head? I must live in constant readiness, for songs, movie clips, and odd sayings will worm into my poor overheated brain. When I least expect it, they will hatch into the flaming vorpel plot bunnies from Hell. Watch out. They breed.

Dialogue Tags And Semicolons Just because I can use them does not always mean I should. It was a while before I realized “he said/she said” was not actually adding to the story except in very rare cases. And putting other, “stronger” words in for “said”? Oh, be careful, Will Robinson. On that path lies danger.

Other Geeks Get My Jokes Some things are only funny to other writers. For example, when the Selkie and I went to go see Stranger Than Fiction, there were a few moments in the movie where we were the only people laughing. In a semi-packed theater. Hysterically. Because, you know, some things in that movie are only funny if you’ve ever sat and stared at a blank page and thought, I am not in control of this thing anymore. How the %$&# did that happen?

I’m Not The One In Charge It’s the Muse’s show. She just lets me take dictation because typing ruins her fingernails and she just got a manicure, for Chrissake. This does not excuse sloppy work, because the Muse will get back at me. It also doesn’t excuse blowing off daily writing, because it’s the Muse’s job to come up with stuff and it’s my job to be at my laptop every day so she knows where to reach me. She eats the bonbons because she’s earned them, dammit.

I’m Still Not The One In Charge Because, you know, characters do what they want to do. Despite all the outlines and my preconceived notions, they know what they want and will stonewall me until they get it. Best just to go with the flow.

What? I Thought I Was In Charge! And if I ever have any vague ideas about being in charge after all that, shifting production schedules, nonexistent royalties, and presence of little people in my life will strongly dissuade me from such notions. I’m just along for the ride, y’all.

It Can Always Get Better If I don’t look at something I’ve written six months or a year ago and cringe, I’m not growing as a writer. A finer view of the flaws in one’s art does not mean flaws will go away once one grows more practices. It just means one will commit different sins and foul-ups next time.

The Dishes Can Wait, The Story (And The Kids) Can’t ‘Nuff said.

So. What do you wish someone had told you about this blasted, awful, ugly, marvelous, wonderful, absolutely unlivable, completely fantastic writing thing?